Your feelings when someone has cancer

Having cancer can be very emotional, with many ups and downs. This is often true for the person who has cancer, and their family and friends.

When someone you know has cancer, you may have many different feelings. These feelings may come and go. You may have good days when you feel positive, and difficult days when you struggle more with how you are feeling. Everyone is different. There is no right or wrong way to feel.

You may want to focus on supporting the person with cancer. But it is important to pay attention to your feelings and take care of yourself as well. Taking care of yourself can help you support the person with cancer better.

Here are some common feelings people have when someone they care about has cancer.

You may find it hard to believe that the person you care about has cancer. It is common to feel shocked and numb. 

You may not be able to understand all the information you get. At first, it can be hard to talk about the cancer. Or you might find it hard to think or talk about anything else. Both reactions are normal. 

Your mind is trying to process what is happening. These feelings usually get easier over time.

You may be anxious or frightened about whether treatments will work. If you are caring for someone, you may worry about how a cancer diagnosis will affect your family life and work.

It can help to recognise when you feel anxious. You may notice some physical symptoms such as:

• having tense muscles
• feeling short of breath
• feeling dizzy
• sweating
• having a dry mouth
• being unable to sleep
• feeling tired
• having digestive problems
• a pounding heart.

Anxiety can change the way we think. You may worry about the future more. This is a normal response. But it can be one of the hardest things to cope with. 

It can help to try and focus on things you can control. It can also help to talk about your feelings. Try to keep doing things that are important to you and that you enjoy.

If you are caring for someone living with cancer and you live in Scotland, you can sign up for free to Daylight. This is an app that uses guided CBT techniques to help you manage anxiety.

You will probably feel:

• anxious about what is happening
• unsure about how you will cope.

Cancer can take away your feelings of control. Feeling uncertain about the future can be one of the hardest things to deal with.

It can help to recognise when you feel like this. Try to focus on the things you can change or control. For example, it may help to follow a routine. Or you might make positive lifestyle changes that can make you feel better, such as eating a healthy diet.

• If you are caring for someone living with cancer and you live in Scotland, you can sign up for free to Daylight. This is an app that uses guided CBT techniques to help you manage anxiety.   

You might try to deny what is happening because you just want to continue as normal. You might find it hard to accept that someone you care about has cancer.

This is a normal reaction.

Denial is a way of coping and may give you some time to adjust to the changes that are happening. But if it lasts for weeks or months, it can become a problem.

Your partner, family members or friends may try to talk to you about this if they are worried about you. Denial can stop you from getting the help you need.

If you are struggling, take some time to think about your needs. Talking to someone can sometimes help you realise that support might help. This might be support you would like from other people such as a counsellor or a support group.

If the person you care about is diagnosed with advanced cancer, you may both find it hard to accept. By talking things through, you may be able to support each other.

You may feel grief and loss for the life you both had before cancer. You may also grieve because you have lost a sense of certainty about the future. It is important to allow yourself time to be sad and to grieve for these losses. It can take time to come to terms with them.

Sadness is a natural feeling when someone has cancer. You will probably feel sad for the person who is ill, and wish it was not happening.

Everyone has good and bad days. Do not expect to feel positive or happy all the time. Sadness can come and go. You may feel sad even at times when you would usually enjoy yourself.

But if you feel sad for a few weeks or more, and it starts to affect your everyday life, you may be depressed. Symptoms of depression can include:

• feeling sad or numb for a few weeks or more
• struggling to enjoy things that you usually would
• sleeping problems
• difficulty concentrating or making decisions
• feeling helpless or hopeless
• changes in appetite (eating more or less).

If you think you or the person with cancer may be depressed, talk to your GP. There are treatments that can help. You can also contact a support organisation.

Many people feel angry. This is a normal reaction. You may be angry at people you know well. There are different reasons for being angry. It may be because:

• this has happened to a person you care about, and to you
• the cancer has changed your lives
• you are trying to cope with too much
• it is covering other feelings, such as sadness, fear or anxiety.

Talking to someone about how you feel can stop anger building up. If you find it difficult to control your anger, look out for signs that you are getting angry, such as feeling tense. There are some things you can do to help deal with these feelings, such as:

• taking deep breaths and focussing on your breathing
• doing some exercise, such as brisk walking
• writing down or talking about how you are feeling with someone you trust.

You may sometimes resent the person who is unwell. It is natural to feel like this. You may not have much time to do the things you enjoy, or to see your friends. The person with cancer may be emotional or withdrawn at times. They may not notice the things you are doing for them. Or they may be irritable, especially if they are in pain.

Sometimes, people take out their fear or anxiety on the people they know best. This can be difficult to deal with. If this happens to you, you may feel unwanted and resentful.

Try to talk to them and explain how you feel. You could choose a time when you are both having a good day. Or you may find it easier to talk about your feelings with someone else.

Try not to let any feelings of anger and resentment build up. Try to understand how the other person feels. This may stop your anger and irritation developing into an argument.

Feeling guilty is common. You may feel guilty about:

• being well when the person you care about has cancer
• finding it hard to cope
• whether you are doing enough to help
• not having a good relationship with the person in the past
• feeling resentful if your own needs are not being met
• not being able to give as much time to other roles, such as being a parent, partner or employee.

When you feel guilty, it is normal to hide your feelings. This can make it difficult for people to understand what you are going through. If you feel guilty, talk about it with someone you trust. They may help you see things differently.

When someone has cancer, you may feel like you are on your own. You may feel that other people do not understand what you are going through. People may not know about all the things you have to do. It may help to explain this to them.

If you are caring for or supporting the person with cancer, you may find it more difficult to go out or enjoy your usual activities. If you have stopped working, you may not see the people you used to. You could ask someone else to spend time with the person with cancer, so you can have a break.

You can also speak to:

• your GP
• a social worker
• the cancer team at the hospital.

They can help you get an assessment of your needs, which could lead to you getting support.

You will probably feel tired or even exhausted at times. Supporting someone can be physically and emotionally tiring. Feeling tired all the time can be a sign of feeling depressed. If you can, try to do some things you enjoy. This could be a hobby or spending time outside. It is also important to have someone to talk to. Try to share your feelings and take care of yourself.

When someone you care about has cancer, it may help to talk about what is happening and how you are feeling. Talking to someone about how you feel can help you cope with your emotions. It is often the first step in helping you feel better.

Talking about your thoughts and feelings can:

• make you feel more supported and less anxious
• help you understand your feelings and make your thoughts clearer
• ease the pressure and make you feel better
• help you work out what is important to you
• help you make important decisions
• allow you to feel closer to your family, friends or partner.

It is a good idea to talk to someone other than the person with cancer. This will take some pressure off both of you. The person you talk to could be a partner, good friend or family member. Or you may find it easier to talk to someone you do not know, such as a religious or spiritual leader. Most hospitals have a spiritual care team or can give advice on how to find someone.

If your feelings are affecting your everyday life, talking to a professional may help. You can ask your GP how to get counselling or see a psychologist. A counsellor or psychologist helps you talk about your feelings. They can help you recognise how the way you are thinking may affect your feelings.

We have more information about talking to the person with cancer.

When you first find out that someone you care about has cancer, you may both need time to adjust before telling anyone else. This is normal.

Telling other people about the diagnosis can be hard to begin with. But it means that you can all get the support you need.

The person with cancer may find it hard to tell others. It is their decision when to share their diagnosis. But if you are supporting them, you may also need support. Try talking to them about why it would help you to have support from other people. They might agree to you telling a trusted friend or family member. Or they might set a date for telling other people. For example, this may be after their test results come back.

Contacting family members or friends after test results or doctor’s appointments can be tiring. If you do not feel you can do this yourself, you could ask someone that you both know and trust to do it. Ask the person with cancer what they want other people to know.

Deciding what to tell children and teenagers about cancer is hard. We have lots of information to help you talk to children of all ages.

You can contact the Macmillan Support Line:

• to ask questions about cancer
• simply for someone to listen to you.

You can contact the Macmillan Support Line for free on 0808 808 0000, 7 days a week, 8am to 8pm. If our support line is closed, you can call Samaritans on 116 123. Its confidential helpline is open 24 hours a day.

Counselling can help you talk about your feelings. It is a type of talking therapy. At your appointment, you can talk to a trained counsellor who will listen and support you without judging you. Counsellors do not usually give advice or tell you what to do. The counsellor can help you:

• cope with changes in your relationships
• think about what is important to you
• deal with practical problems
• find new ways of coping.

You may be offered:

• single session of counselling
• short course of sessions over a few weeks or months
• longer course that lasts for several months or years.

It can take a number of sessions, but you should slowly start to feel better with the help and support of your counsellor. Counselling can happen:

• face to face
• in a group
• over the phone
• by email
• online, by video call or through live chat services.

Some GPs, hospitals and cancer treatment centres have their own counsellors, or they can refer you to one. If your employer has an employee assistance programme (EAP), you can often contact a counsellor that way. Ask your employer for more information..

Counselling may be free, or you may need to pay for it. This is more likely if you see a counsellor long term.

For more information about finding a counsellor:

• call the Macmillan Support Line for free on 0808 808 00 00, 7 days a week, 8am to 8pm
• chat to our information and support specialists online
• contact the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy.

Most areas of the UK have cancer support groups for carers, partners, family members and friends. These are usually led by people who may be in a similar position to you, sometimes with support from a healthcare professional.

Joining a support group can have many benefits, such as:

• gaining a sense of community and knowing that you are not alone
• listening to and learning from the experience of others
• doing things that make you feel better.

A group usually includes people who have experience of different types and stages of cancer. You may find this helps you see your own problems from a different point of view.

Our cancer support specialists on 0808 808 0000 can tell you about support groups in your area.

Some people find groups very helpful and get support from other members. But others find it uncomfortable to talk about personal issues with strangers. If support groups are not right for you, do not worry. There are other ways to get support.

You could join an online support group or chat room for carers, family members and friends.

You can share your own thoughts and feelings by posting messages for others to read and reply to. Or you can just read other people’s comments or posts. These messages can sometimes be helpful. They can also be sad and difficult to read. It may help to know that other people feel like you do. You may feel less alone and learn how other people cope.

This might be helpful for you if you find it difficult to talk face to face. Online groups are also easy to leave. You do not need to say why you are leaving.

The Macmillan Online Community offers offers this type of support. It is quick and easy to join. You can talk to people in our chat rooms, blog about your experiences and make friends. You can also join support groups, such as the:

• carers forum
• family and friends of someone with cancer forum
• parents of children with cancer forum.

Some people find that they have more spiritual or religious feelings during stressful times. This may be because they have questions about their faith and beliefs. Or it may be because they get comfort from their faith.

It might help you to talk to someone, such as a hospital chaplain or a religious leader. You can talk to them even if you are not sure about what you believe, or do not worship regularly. Spiritual and religious leaders are used to dealing with uncertainty. They are usually happy to listen, talk and give support and comfort.

We also have an online forum where you can share your thoughts and feelings.

Our information about looking after yourself has tips to help you:

• be active
• keep to your usual routines
• find ways to relax be kind to yourself.