How to talk to someone with cancer

It is natural for someone with cancer to have many feelings, such as fear, anger or frustration. Talking to other people can help them cope with their emotions. You can support the person with cancer by listening and talking with them. This is sometimes difficult, but the following things can make it easier.

• Do not try to talk when one of you is busy or tired.
• Choose a time and place when you will be able to talk without being interrupted. But remember that sometimes, one of you may want to talk without planning it.
• Talking about feelings can be tiring. Set a limit on how long you will talk for. You could plan to do something nice together afterwards.
• When the person with cancer is talking, pay attention to what they are saying. Try to listen instead of thinking about what you are going to say next.
• Do not feel you have to talk about the cancer. Let your partner, family member or friend talk when they are ready.
• Respect the other person’s feelings. They might want to talk about things you find hard to hear.
• It may not be helpful to tell the person about other people’s stories. Cancer is different for everyone.
• Showing empathy is helpful. If they start to cry as they talk, you could say something like, ‘I can see how upsetting this is for you’. Or you could simply sit with them and hold their hand.
• Try not to say that everything will be fine or encourage them to be positive. It is better to let people speak honestly about their feelings.
• Try to repeat back what you have heard. This helps you check you have understood things correctly and shows you are listening.
• You might say things like, ‘So you mean that…?’.

When you are supporting someone with cancer, you may both feel stressed. You may be angry or upset about the cancer, but this can be hard to express. People might express how they feel by getting angry or upset with the people they care about the most. You may argue or find it difficult to talk to each other.

There are things you can do to help manage this:

• Try to understand each other’s feelings.
• Ask the other person what they think or how they feel. It might be different to what you thought.
• Allow each other to talk, even if you disagree with what the other person is saying.
• Avoid words like ‘never’ and ‘always’. For example, do not say ‘You never listen to me,’ or ‘I always call you’. These words can make the other person defensive.
• Talk to the other person about how what they do makes you feel. Instead of saying, ‘You are thoughtless – I have to remember everything’, try saying, ‘I feel stressed when I have a lot to remember’.
• Write down your feelings. This can help you think about what is important to you and help you deal with some of your worries.