Coping with your feelings about advanced cancer

It is common to have many different emotions when coping with advanced cancer. You may feel uncertain and frightened about the future. Or angry and sad about your situation and the effect the cancer is having on you and those close to you.

There is no right or wrong way to feel. Difficult feelings usually become easier to manage with time and support from family, friends and healthcare professionals.

Feeling that you have some control in your life may make you feel secure. But being told your cancer is advanced can take away that feeling. You may worry about how you will cope as the cancer develops. Or you may be concerned about practical issues, such as your work or finances. Uncertainty can be hard to deal with as it is difficult to make plans when you do not know what is going to happen.

Thinking about what you can control right now can help. For example, you can still make choices about treatment, or how you use your time.

Many people with advanced cancer feel frightened. You may feel afraid of:

• the illness itself
• its symptoms
• the treatment and possible side effects.

You may be worried about the future, or about dying. Often, talking through what may or may not happen can make it less frightening. You may find your fears are worse than the reality. Talking to a professional, such as a nurse or counsellor, can help you plan for what might happen. This can help reduce your fears.

It is common to feel angry if you have advanced cancer. You may feel angry about being unwell and having to cope with treatment and side effects. You might also be angry about the impact the cancer has had on your life and your future. For example, it may have affected your ability to work or your relationships.

You may get angry with your family, friends or partner. Tell them you are angry at your illness and not at them. Finding ways to relax can help with anger.

You may feel angry about some aspects of your healthcare. For example, you may be frustrated if there are problems with getting test results or having certain treatments. Talk to your doctors if this is the case.

Some people feel calm about the fact they are going to die. But others are frightened by the thought.

Dying is something that will happen to all of us. But it is not something that is easy to talk about. Most people do not talk about it very much. Your doctor or specialist nurse can talk to you about death and dying.

They will do their best to answer your questions. They can also help you have difficult conversations with people close to you.

There are also events called ‘death cafés’ which are safe places to meet with other people to talk about death. There are no agendas or objectives at a death café meeting. They are led by someone who helps guide and support the conversation.

Being with others who are having similar feelings and emotions can make it easier to talk about your own feelings. Death cafes are held in different places, such as a library or community hall. Some hospices help with these and have dates of when and where they are being held locally. Visit deathcafe.com to find out more about where and when death café meetings are happening.

There are other things you can do to help you cope with your feelings. You could keep a diary or journal so you can write down your thoughts and feelings. This can include good feelings as well as harder ones. If other people are finding it hard to understand how you are feeling, you could show them part of your journal.

Thinking about what you can control may help. It can help to stop worrying about what may happen in the future and focus on what you can do now. You might want to become more involved in your care. Or you may want to think about what you can do to look after yourself.

Many people use complementary therapies to help them cope with symptoms, stress or anxiety. These therapies include:

• meditation
• visualisation
• relaxation
• aromatherapy
• mindfulness.

You can learn about many of these methods on YouTube, or through podcasts and downloads. You can listen to them whenever you want. But make sure they are from a reliable source. It should be clear who has produced them and that they are regularly updated.

You may be finding it very hard to cope. Your GP, cancer doctor or palliative care doctor may be able to give you medicines to help. These may be anti-depressants, anxiety-reducing drugs or sleeping pills. Anti-depressants can take a few weeks to start working properly. Medicines are not likely to change how you think about things, but they can help you feel better.

We have more information about the emotional effects of cancer and what can help you to cope.