Supporting my partner with cancer
When your partner has cancer, you might find it hard to cope. Talk to them about how to support them. It may help you understand each other and feel closer.
Your feelings if your partner has cancer
When your partner has cancer, it can feel like everything has changed. You may have many different feelings, including shock, grief, anger and anxiety.
You and your partner will probably find your own ways of coping with your feelings. Even if you have different ways of dealing with the illness, try to understand and support each other.
You might try to protect them by not being honest about your fears and concerns. But talking about your feelings can make it easier for your partner to be honest about theirs. It may help you understand each other and feel closer.
Here are some tips on how you can support your partner:
- Talk to each other about how you feel and what is important to you. Some people find this easier to do while doing another activity, such as going for a walk.
- Be aware that you may both have many difficult feelings and that these are normal.
- Make time for each other. Do things you enjoy and talk about things other than cancer.
- Work out how you cope as a couple. For example, you might laugh or cry together to help release tension.
- Ask for support and accept help from friends and family members.
- Try to keep to routines. This can help life feel more normal.
Related pages
Relationship changes
You may find your relationship changes because of the cancer. This may not happen straight away, but it can happen over time. Illness can add a lot of pressure to a relationship. It changes your lives and your plans.
Lots of couples feel more stressed than usual when one person has cancer. You may be coping with:
- difficult feelings
- changes in your roles
- making decisions
- deciding what to tell other people, including any children
- changes with intimacy or in your sex life
- worries about money or work.
Your partner might seem different. This could be because they are very stressed, in pain, or tired. You might find you argue more because of the emotions you are both feeling.
Sometimes you may feel closer and that you love each other more. But not all relationships become stronger. Cancer sometimes causes relationship problems or makes existing problems worse. Organisations such as Relate, Relate NI or Relationships Scotland can help you with this.
We also have a video about the impact cancer can have on a relationship.
Cancer and domestic abuse
Some people facing cancer, either as a patient or a carer, may be experiencing abusive behaviour. This may be threatening, controlling or coercive. It can be physical or non-physical. It could include economic, psychological, emotional or other types of abuse. We have information and support available for those who may be experiencing domestic abuse.
Related pages
Changes in your role
When your partner is diagnosed with cancer, the roles you have in your relationship may change.
During and after treatment, the person with cancer may not have the energy to do the things they did before. You may have to do things your partner used to do, for example:
- housework
- managing the finances
- working or increasing your hours – especially if your partner was the main earner.
This can be difficult for both of you.
Making changes at work or at home can be tiring. It may mean you have less time for things like:
- spending time with friends or family
- work
- hobbies.
This can lead to resentment, or you may feel you are not doing enough. This can lead to guilt.
You may feel helpless or unsure about how to comfort your partner. You may also worry about how you will cope with caring for them.
These are normal reactions. Remember, although you have not been diagnosed, you are going through your own experience of cancer. It is okay to ask for help for yourself as well as for your partner.
Related pages
If you have children
If you have children, you will also be thinking about how the diagnosis may affect them and how to deal with this.
We have information about talking to children about cancer.
Supporting your partner
Try to be yourself and live as normally as possible. Behaving differently may make your partner feel more aware of the cancer.
It can help to ask your partner what support they would like and find useful. This makes sure you help where it is most wanted and needed. It can also help you avoid misunderstandings.
Here are some tips:
- Let your partner know that you are there to help, but they are still in control.
- Make a point of asking whether they need you to do something specific.
- Let them take as much responsibility as they can or want to for their own care, family issues, finances and other decision-making.
Related pages
Supporting each other
You will have a lot to cope with. Many couples find it helps to work together as a team.
It may help to write down a list of priorities. Together, you can plan what things are most important and what help you might need in different areas. Try to find ways you can help each other so that you both feel cared for.
It is important to think about what support you can get from other people. Family and friends often want to help. They may be able to help you with some everyday tasks you no longer have time for.
Making time for you as a couple
Doing things that you both enjoy is a way of staying close as a couple and can help you cope with changes better.
Many people prioritise the things they think they should do, such as household tasks. Because of this, they may not have the energy to do things that they want to do. It is important to make time for doing things you enjoy. It can remind you what brought you together as a couple. And it may help to balance out the impact of the cancer.
Make time to do things together that are not about the cancer. You may want to:
- go for a meal
- watch a film
- go for a walk
- take a holiday.
This can remind you what you like about each other and what brought you together as a couple.
Possible effects on your sex life
Cancer and its treatment may affect intimacy and sex between you and your partner. But it does not have to mean you stop having sex or being intimate. Many people with cancer still have sexual feelings and enjoy their sex life, whether they are in a relationship or not.
Your sex life can be affected by:
- your partner having physical effects of cancer or its treatment
- how your partner thinks and feels about their body (body image)
- emotional changes in you or your partner, such as depression or anxiety
- changes in your relationship.
Some cancer treatments may directly affect the ability to have sex or orgasms. This can happen if a treatment affects the sex organs or their nerves and blood vessels. It can also happen if your partner has a treatment that affects the balance of sex hormones in their body.
Treatments that may have this effect include:
- hormonal therapy
- radiotherapy to the area between the hips (pelvis)
- surgery to the area between the hips.
Related pages
If you or your partner identify as LGBT+
If you or your partner are LGBTQ+, you may have additional worries.
You may have questions about whether this will affect their cancer treatment. Sexual orientation and gender identity should not affect access to the right healthcare. Their healthcare team should offer care, support and information that meets their needs. But we know that sometimes LGBTQ+ people may face extra challenges in getting the right help.
The cancer may make your relationship public for the first time. For example, you may tell healthcare professionals during hospital appointments, or when asking questions about impacts. You might be worried that professionals will assume things about your relationship, or not recognise you as a couple. It can be hard to know how to deal with this.
If you are a same-sex couple, it might help for your partner to tell their doctor or specialist nurse about their sexuality. This may make it easier for you to go to appointments with them. You may both feel more supported if other people know about your relationship.
If your partner is transgender (trans), the cancer might bring up issues about a gender they do not identify as. This can be very difficult for your partner, and for you, to cope with. Talking to the cancer doctor or specialist nurse about this can help.
If you or your partner are not getting the support you need, it is important to remember that the law protects you. You should not be treated any differently because of how you identify.
We have more information about LGBTQ+ people and cancer treatment, and specifically about trans and non-binary people and cancer.
Sometimes talking about these issues can help you cope:
- Organisations like the LGBT Foundation and Stonewall can offer support.
- You can call us for free on 0808 808 0000. Our cancer support specialists are experts in supporting anyone who is affected by cancer.
- You could talk to people in the group for lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans people on our Online Community.
How you can help with treatment decisions
The person with cancer may want to talk to you about their treatment options. Their doctor may have spoken to them about different options.
Talking to them about these choices can help you understand their thoughts and feelings. But any decisions about treatment will be theirs.
Having information may make you or the person with cancer feel more in control. It is important to remember that each of you might need a different amount of information. Some people may want to:
- know as much as possible about the cancer and treatment
- only want to know enough to make decisions about treatment and how to cope with it
- choose not to know very much at all.
It can be useful to talk about how you can manage this. It is best to let your family member, friend or partner find out information when they are ready.
The best source of information about cancer treatment for the person with cancer is their healthcare team. You can also get information:
- from the Macmillan website
- by going to a local Macmillan information and support centre
- from other reliable cancer information websites.
Many hospitals have information centres. These provide face-to-face information and free booklets and leaflets.
Going to appointments is a good way for you to know what is happening. Before you go, ask the person with cancer how much they want you to be involved. They may be happy for you to ask questions, but it is best to check in advance.
Doctors and nurses cannot give you any information without permission from the person with cancer. The person with cancer can tell their doctor if they are happy for treatment information to be shared with named people. The doctor can then record this in their case notes. If the person with cancer is your partner, you do not have to be married or in a civil partnership to do this.
Having information about treatments may help you cope and support them better. If you think it would help, talk to the person with cancer. It may also be helpful for them, because:
- you could help them remember what the doctor said
- they could talk to you when making decisions
- you would know about possible treatment side effects
- with their permission, you could share information with family and friends.
If you disagree with a treatment decision
Sometimes you may not agree with your family member, friend or partner about treatment decisions. This can be hard for both of you. If this happens, you may find it useful to talk to the cancer doctor or specialist nurse together. This may help both of you to understand all the options.
The person with cancer has the right to make their own choices. Try to accept this and support their decision. Sometimes this can be difficult. It may help to talk about your feelings with someone else. Your GP or the person with cancer’s specialist nurse may be able to arrange for you to see a counsellor.
About our information
This information has been written, revised and edited by Macmillan Cancer Support’s Cancer Information Development team. It has been reviewed by expert medical and health professionals and people living with cancer.
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References
Below is a sample of the sources used in our cancer and emotions information. If you would like more information about the sources we use, please contact us at cancerinformationteam@macmillan.org.uk
National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE). Supporting adult carers. NICE guideline [NG150]. Published 22 January 2020. Available from www.nice.org.uk/guidance/ng150 [accessed Jan 2023].Zeng Q, Ling D, Chen W, et al. Family Caregivers’ Experiences of Caring for Patients with Head and Neck Cancer. A systematic Review and Metasynthesis of Qualitative Studies. Cancer Nursing. 2023; 46,14-28. Available from doi.org/10.1097/ncc.0000000000001096 [accessed Jan 2023].
Date reviewed
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This means it is easy to use, up-to-date and based on the latest evidence. Learn more about how we produce our information.
The language we use
We want everyone affected by cancer to feel our information is written for them.
We want our information to be as clear as possible. To do this, we try to:
- use plain English
- explain medical words
- use short sentences
- use illustrations to explain text
- structure the information clearly
- make sure important points are clear.
We use gender-inclusive language and talk to our readers as ‘you’ so that everyone feels included. Where clinically necessary we use the terms ‘men’ and ‘women’ or ‘male’ and ‘female’. For example, we do so when talking about parts of the body or mentioning statistics or research about who is affected.
You can read more about how we produce our information here.