Support with grief

We explain here some of the feelings and experiences people describe having after someone dies. We also have information about what may help you with these feelings. You may have some of the feelings we explain. Or you may have different feelings. Everyone grieves in different ways.

People use many different words to describe the emotions and physical symptoms they feel after the death of a relative or friend. You may have some or all of these feelings. You may have them at different times and in different ways. Or you may not have any of them, and experience your grief differently. 

Although these feelings can be very difficult and painful, they are all natural. No one can take away the pain you might feel, but there are things that may help.

The words on this page describe some of the feelings people told us they had after the death of a relative or friend. The size of each word shows how often it was used.

Bereavement word cloud

Many people describe feeling shocked and numb in the days and weeks after a relative or friend has died. This can happen whether their death was sudden or expected. People sometimes say that they are ‘going through the motions’ as they arrange the funeral and start to sort out practical things.

You may feel angry after a relative or friend has died. Some people are surprised at how angry they feel. Try not to worry about it. This is a normal feeling to have. Anger may be directed at different people. You may feel angry with:

• the doctors for not being able to cure your relative or friend
• your relative or friend for leaving you on your own with so much to sort out
• the people around you for not understanding how you feel.

Crying can be a response to all the emotions we describe here. You may find that you cry easily after the death of a relative or friend. Some people find they suddenly start crying when they least expect it. For example, you may start crying if you hear a song on the radio or visit a place that has happy memories of your relative or friend. This can happen months or years later. Try not to worry about how often you cry. It is a healthy response to your feelings.

Other people find they cannot cry. There is no need to worry if you do not cry. It does not mean you do not feel the loss. People react in different ways. Just do what feels right for you.

Many people describe feeling very lonely after their relative or friend has died. This is understandable, particularly if the person who died is someone you shared your life or your home with for a long time.

Loneliness is sometimes described as a constant feeling that does not go away. People describe feeling lonely even when they are going about their everyday lives and are surrounded by family or friends. This is not unusual. It will take time to get used to the person not being around.

You may sometimes think you see or sense the person and then remember they are no longer here. You may find yourself talking to the person who has died. It is fine to do this, and you may find it helpful.

Fear is a natural feeling after the death of a relative or friend. For example, you may worry about having to do things on your own and how you will manage. You may worry about going back to work or going out socially again.

Some people are frightened by how strong their feelings are. Or they may be scared they have cancer themselves and feel anxious every time they feel unwell. These feelings are understandable and usually get better with time. If you are anxious, you may notice feeling restless, breathless or more aware of your heart beating. Talk to your GP if you have these feelings. They can suggest ways to help manage them.

The sadness you feel after the death of a relative or friend can be overwhelming. Some people describe it as a physical pain. It can stop you wanting to do things like going out with friends, going to work or even getting out of bed.

Some people become very depressed and stop looking after themselves properly. If this happens, talk to your GP. You may need extra support. They may refer you to someone to talk to, such as a counsellor or local bereavement group. They may also discuss whether medicines could help you.

Feelings of sadness are often easier to manage if you have someone to listen to you. It can be especially helpful in the time just after the person has died.

Some people describe an intense longing to see, speak to or hold the person who has died. They wish the person could come back again. This can make it difficult to get on with doing other things.

Some people dream about the person who has died. This can be upsetting when they wake up. Others may find these types of dreams comforting. You may not dream about the person at all, or may dream about them months or years later. Everyone is different in how they experience feelings of longing.

For some people, the longing is so intense it feels that life without that person is unbearable. If you feel like you cannot continue, ask for extra help and support.

If you were caring for your relative of friend, it can take time to adjust to not doing these things any more. Some people feel a bit lost, as though they have lost a sense of purpose.

If the relative or friend had been very ill for a long time, some people describe feeling a sense of relief when they have died. This may be because they had symptoms that were difficult to control, such as pain.

People may feel guilty for different reasons after the death of a relative or friend. You may think that if you had said or done something differently, they might not have died. There may be things you wish you had been able to talk about or do with them while they were still alive.

Some people feel guilty because they feel a sense of relief that their relative or friend has died, as described earlier.

If you are struggling with feelings of guilt, you might find it helpful to talk to the doctor or nurse who was caring for your relative or friend. You could also talk to your GP. They can suggest places to get more support to help manage how you feel.

There is no 1 type of support that will suit everyone. Just as people have many different emotions, they will find different types of support helpful.

Even though your relative or friend has died, you may find it comforting to talk to them. Some people like to go to a special place to do this. This could be the cemetery or a place that has special memories. Others find it helpful to do this at home as they go about their day-to-day business.

If you find it difficult to talk to them, you may prefer to write a letter or card, or set up a memorialised account on a social media site.

Some people find it helpful to talk to family or friends about how they are feeling. You may talk regularly or just when you feel ready.

Sometimes it may be difficult and painful. You may cry or feel upset. But at other times, you may find you can share stories about your relative or friend and smile at happy memories. As time goes on, it often gets easier to talk about times you shared together.

Try to remember that the way you are feeling is normal, and that sharing your feelings with family and friends can help.

Sometimes, it is easier to talk to someone who is not part of your family or friendship group. There is support available to you after someone dies. It is important to ask for help or talk to your GP if you feel you are not coping. They may refer you to a counsellor or therapist who can help.

You can call our cancer support specialists for free by calling the Macmillan Support Line for free on 0808 808 00 00, 7 days a week 8am - 8pm. They can tell you more about counselling and about services in your area.

You may feel that only others who have experienced the death of a relative or friend can really understand how you are feeling.

There are organisations that offer support and can put you in touch with other people who are grieving. They may offer one-to-one or group support. Some organisations also offer phone support.

Your local hospice or hospital may run a bereavement support group or have details of one nearby.

There are also bereavement groups on our Online Community. We have forums for spouses and partners as well as family and friends.

If you would like to talk, you can:

• Call the Macmillan Support Line for free on  0808 808 00 00, 7 days a week, 8am to 8pm.
• Chat to our information and support specialists online.

If you have lost a child

If the person who died was a child, it can be especially hard. There is support for parents, grandparents and siblings through organisations such as:

• Cruse bereavement support
• Compassionate Friends
• Child Death Helpline.

If you have a religion or faith, you may find this comforting after the death of your relative or friend. Or you may find that the death makes you ask questions about your faith or beliefs. Some people find meaning in a faith or belief for the first time.

Faith leaders can listen and offer support. They will not mind if you cry or are angry. They may be able to tell you about other sources of support in their faith communities. Many faith leaders will offer support even if you have different beliefs or no beliefs.

Some people find that it helps to write down how they feel. Keeping a diary, journal or blog can be a way of expressing your feelings without having to talk about them.

If you are not sure where to start, try using our table. You can use this to write down how you feel and what makes this feeling worse or better. We have written 1 feeling as an example.

Some people continue to find life very difficult after bereavement. They are still overwhelmed by their feelings for months or years after their relative or friend has died. This might look like the following:

• They may find it difficult or impossible to return to work or socialise with friends.
• Some people may not sleep well or find it hard to get out of bed in the morning.
• They may stop washing and taking care of their appearance.
• They may also not eat properly – some people may start to eat too much or drink a lot of alcohol.
• Others may have suicidal thoughts.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. And there is no set period of time to grieve for. But if you continue to be overwhelmed by your feelings, it is important to get the right help and support. You should talk to your GP or another health or social care professional.

They will talk with you about how you are feeling and may suggest some extra support for you. This may include:

• referring you to a bereavement support group
• referring you to a bereavement counsellor, psychologist or psychotherapist
• prescribing you medication to help with the way you are feeling.

If you would like more information and support after the death of a relative or friend, you can:

• Call the Macmillan Support Line on 0808 808 00 00, 7 days a week, 8am to 8pm.
• Chat to our information and support specialists online.