Your relationships as a young carer

Your relationships with people close to you are an important part of your life.

While you have a caring role for someone who has cancer, your relationships with friends and family may change. Try not to worry too much about this. All relationships change and develop over time. For example, you may now have a different best friend to when you first started school.

Some relationships do not last, while others grow stronger over time. You will probably experience both. But remember that help and support is always available.

The person that you are caring for may be your mum or dad, brother or sister, or one of your grandparents. They could be someone who lives in your house or who you see often.

It can take time for your whole family to come to terms with the cancer. The most important thing is to try to find ways of coping together. Talking to each other and spending time together can help. For example, the person you care for may be too unwell to go to the cinema. But you could buy some popcorn and watch a film together at home instead.

Having someone in the family with cancer can cause lots of different emotions. People may get angry and upset more often, or argue with each other more.

Do not feel bad if you have arguments with your family, including the person you care for. If the problem continues, you may want to consider getting emotional support, for example counselling, on your own or with your family. This can help you understand your emotions, find coping strategies, and work with family members to resolve the issues. You may worry that the counsellor won't understand, but most counsellors have experience in dealing with many different family situations.

It is important not to do everything for the person you look after. This could affect your relationship because it may feel like your roles have been reversed. Most people still want to be as independent as they can.

There are lots of ways that other family members can help, such as tidying the house or doing the shopping. This will give you a break and make them feel that they are supporting you. Do not feel like you need to do everything yourself.

It is important to tell someone if you feel uncomfortable about a caring task. Another family member may be able to help instead. You could talk to a health or social care professional about how you feel if that is easier.

Sometimes it is useful to write down who is helping, when they are coming and what they are doing. This can help make the best use of everyone’s time.

Carers UK has an online and mobile app called Jointly. It is available for a small one-off payment. You can use this app to share caring tasks with others, organise who is doing what and store useful contacts. You should check with an adult before paying for the app.

If you prefer, you can use our weekly family rota (see below). We have included examples of details you can add to the rota. You and your family can make your own version of this table. You can also make copies of the rota and use it for different weeks.

Weekly family rota