How children understand death at different ages

The way children understand and react to death can depend on their age and their level of maturity. It may also depend on whether anyone else close to them has died and any spiritual beliefs they might have.  It may be helpful to know how your children might react before you talk to them. Emotional reactions in children and teenagers can also appear as physical symptoms, such as headaches or stomach (tummy) aches. There may also be changes in their behaviour.

You may find yourself becoming upset or tearful when having difficult conversations with your children. This is normal and can help children understand that sometimes adults cry too when they feel upset. It can help your child know it is okay for them to cry and express their emotions.

We have more information about preparing a child for loss and talking to children and teenagers when someone close to them is dying.

Winston’s Wish, Hope Support Services and Child Bereavement UK also have information about how children grieve at different ages.

Children aged 3 to 5 may have an awareness of separation and death, but they may not understand what it means in the way older children do. For example, they may imagine that a dead person will come back or is living somewhere else. Children may show some changes in behaviour. They may be upset one moment and then behave as they would do usually in the next moment.

You may find the following tips useful when supporting young children:

• Keep reminding children that their parent or close relative does not want to die and leave them. But explain that when it does happen, they will not be able to come back.
• Keep to everyday routines when you can.
• Let them know that the cancer is not their fault.
• Reassure them that cancer is not contagious, and they cannot catch it.
• Ask someone that you and the children know and trust to keep a special eye on how they are coping and feeling. Tell the children who you will be asking to do this.
• Tell someone you trust at playgroup, nursery or school what is happening, so that extra support can be arranged.

Teenagers may find it harder than younger children to cope with the news that someone is dying. They are old enough to know that this means a major change and loss in their life. They are likely to experience confusion and shock. They may feel numb to begin with, then have a delayed reaction.

They may cope in ways that are difficult for you to understand or deal with. This might include:

• expressing anger
• missing school
• risk-taking or anti-social behaviour.

Some teenagers refuse to talk about what is happening. In this situation, it may help to leave them to talk when they are ready. Others may try to become closer to their parents. They may get angry with you or your partner in ways that can seem thoughtless. They may then feel guilty about how they have acted or blame themselves for you becoming ill. Or they may feel bad about spending time with their friends.

Teenagers need to know that there is no right or wrong way to feel at this time, and that it is okay if their feelings keep changing.

You may find the following tips useful when supporting teenagers:

• Ask them what they are most worried about. Sometimes their biggest worries are something that you can reassure them about.
• Ask them if they want to be included in any talks or discussions, in the same way as you would include an adult. This might depend on the age of the teenager.
• Make sure that they know someone is available to listen if they need support at school and at home. Support may also be available from those involved in supporting the dying parent, guardian or close relative, such as healthcare professionals.
• Help them see that talking about feelings is a positive and mature way of coping. Encourage them to talk to someone they are close to, such as their friends, a relative, a family friend or a trusted teacher.
• You could also ask if they would prefer to talk to a counsellor. It can be easier to talk to someone more removed from the situation.
• If they struggle with talking about how they feel, suggest they write a journal or poem, or draw or paint about how they feel.
• Give them time and space to themselves when they want it.
• Tell them about useful sources of information and support.
• Encourage them to keep up with their friendships, activities and normal life as much as possible. Remind them that it is okay to have fun and do things they enjoy.
• Keep to usual rules and boundaries. These can be even more important now than before, as they can help teenagers feel safe.
• If your teenager is using alcohol or drugs as a way to cope, their GP or other members of your healthcare team can suggest the best support services for them to access. The Young Minds website has more information to support you and your teenager.

For teenagers who are looking after someone who is ill, we have information about being a young carer for someone with cancer.