Talking to children when someone close to them is dying

You may already have talked to your children about your diagnosis and the treatment. You may have prepared them for the possibility of treatment not working. Try to talk to them before they notice things and start to worry.

When a family member has a serious illness and treatment is not working, it is normal for parents or guardians to want to protect their children. For example, they may think that if they do not talk about it, their children will not be affected or need to worry. But it can often be more helpful to talk about what is happening, so that children feel included and valued.

If your child trusts you to tell them what is really happening, it is likely that they will feel able to ask any questions that are worrying them.

Tell them that everyone, including the doctors, nurses and yourself, has done everything possible to keep you living, but there is no medicine that can make you better. Explain that it will soon be your time to die.

It is also important to let your child know they will be included in any ceremonies held after your death, such as at the funeral. This will help them to feel they are helping and are involved. For example, younger children may have limited understanding, but may want to make a card.

Some children may not want to talk very much. They may need time to express themselves in a non-verbal way. Go at their pace and give them plenty of time to talk and express themselves. You know your child best. Trust your instincts and when and what to tell them. Some children may ask what happens to people once they have died. How you approach this will depend on your own beliefs.

It may be helpful to think in advance about your answer to this kind of question. Make sure you have all the information you need first and that you understand it. Talk to your doctor or specialist nurse about anything you do not understand.

Winston’s Wish has a booklet called As Big As It Gets – Supporting a child when someone is seriously ill. They also have a booklet called The Secret C, which explains cancer in simple terms. These may help you to work out how you want to explain things to your children.

We have more information about resources to help support you when talking to a child or teenager with cancer.

Be aware of what your children may hear when you are talking to other adults. Make sure you are somewhere children cannot hear you.

It can be frightening for children to understand some but not all of the facts that they overhear. Children are imaginative – in stressful situations, they may imagine far worse than what is actually happening. This is particularly true if they are trying to make sense of what is happening without talking to you directly.

It is a good idea to check their understanding every now and then.

This is especially important if you think they may have accidentally overheard a conversation not meant for them. If you are not sure they have understood words and ideas you have used when talking to them, ask them what you have said.

If your child has a special educational need or disability, they may find death difficult to understand. A child’s understanding of death will differ depending on the child’s developmental stage and whether they have experienced a death before.

The way children understand and react to death can depend on their age and their level of maturity. Teenagers may react differently from younger children or adults when they are told a parent or close relative is dying. It may be helpful to have an idea of how your children might react before you talk to them. We have more information about how children might react to death at different ages.

Being honest and including children in what is happening can help children to feel more secure at an upsetting time. It is natural to want to protect children from painful experiences. But we know that adults who had someone close to them die when they were young often wish they had been told what was happening. They knew something was wrong, but everyone told them the opposite, or would not talk to them at all. This can be very confusing and just as upsetting as knowing what is really happening. It can also affect how someone copes with their grief after someone dies.

Young children can often find reasons to blame themselves in ways that you would not expect. Being honest with them helps to reassure them that they are not responsible for someone’s death. You will also be giving them the chance to talk about how they are feeling and ask questions that are important to them.

When talking about dying, talk openly with your children but still provide reassurance about how they will be supported. This allows you to find ways of helping your children to cope in the future. It will also give you the chance to show how much you care for each other.

It’s important to use clear, age-appropriate language that they can understand. Use simple words such as ‘dying’ or ‘died’ when you tell young children about death. Try not to use phrases that may confuse them. For example, saying that you will be ‘going away’ or ‘going to a better place’ may make a child feel that you are abandoning them. Try not to use ‘going to sleep’ to describe dying, because young children may then be afraid of going to sleep.

Also encourage the people who will talk to your children after you die to use clear language. Saying a parent or guardian is ‘lost’ or has ‘passed away’ can be confusing – children may wonder why no one is looking for the person who has died.

It is often easier for children to hear information in small chunks, rather than all at once. You may need to repeat simple messages several times.

You will need to use words your children will understand. This will depend on their age. Once you have explained the situation, it might help to try and ask your child some open questions. This can encourage them to express their thoughts and feelings.

For example, you could ask:

• Is there anything worrying you right now that we could talk about?
• How are you feeling?
• How do you think I am doing?
• What would you like to know today?
• Is there anything that you feel would help you to cope?

As the conversation continues, it is worth checking what your child has heard and how much they understand. For example, you could ask:

• How do you feel about what I have told you?
• Is there anything you want to ask or know about?
• How can we look after each other?
• If you had to explain this to your (favourite toy/pet/friend/teacher), what would you say?’

It is difficult to describe to a child how someone will die, as no one can ever predict exactly when or how it will happen. Children need gradual explanations about what has happened and why, and what may happen next. Again, if you do not know the answer, it is okay to say so. But explain that you will talk to someone who might be able to answer their questions.

At times, it may feel difficult to find the right words. But supporting a child is not just about what you say. Sometimes, the most comforting thing can be a hug or simply having a cry together. Just talking together shows how much you value them.

Teenagers may react differently from younger children or adults when they are told a parent or guardian is dying. They may ask for more information and may need more time to work through their feelings. They may appear not to react. Or it can seem as if they do not care. You may think this means they are coping, but that is not always the case. It can take time for them to take in what they have been told and connect with how they feel.

It is best to encourage them to ask any questions they have, and to answer these gently but honestly. Remember that although teenagers want to be independent, they will still look to you for reassurance and support.

Online support for teenagers

Teenagers may look for information about cancer online. You or your doctor could help them understand whether the information they find is accurate and relevant to your diagnosis. Some teenagers may feel more comfortable joining an online support group rather than speaking to a counsellor.

The websites Hope Support Services and RipRap might also be helpful. They provide support for teenagers who have a parent with serious illness such as cancer. You can also use them to search for other useful organisations that can help you.