Coping with death as a young carer

Many people with cancer get better and recover from treatment. But sadly, some people do not. If someone you love is going to die of cancer, it can feel like the end of your world.

This is a difficult and emotional time. There is lots of help available. You can also call our Support Line free on 0808 808 00 00 or chat to us online (open every day, 8am to 8pm).

If the person you care for is told that they will die, it can be hard for both of you to accept. This is called denial. It is a natural reaction. If the person with cancer is in denial, they may not want to talk about some things. While this may be upsetting for you, denial is a strong coping tool and needs to be respected. Some people eventually accept their situation, but others stay in denial.

It is still important to ask any questions you may have about what is going to happen. You need to know what to expect, so you can try to prepare yourself. You could talk to close family members, a doctor or a nurse.

You may want to say things to the person who is dying. The time that you have together is special, and you are likely to cherish it in future. You could tell the person you love them or talk about favourite memories you have shared. You could tell them that you and your family and friends will look after each other after they have gone. Maybe you could ask them to tell you about their hopes and dreams for your future.

If you have decided that you want to be there at the end, knowing what to expect can help you prepare. This will be an emotional experience. But remember you are doing something special by being there to comfort and reassure the person you love.

When someone is dying, they can often still hear you even if they cannot respond. So, keep talking to them.

You may not be able to tell the exact moment when the person dies, but you may notice some physical changes. Their body may relax completely, and they may look peaceful. You cannot be sure how you will feel until this happens. Some people say they feel relieved that the person is at peace and their illness is over.

Losing someone you love is very hard. But remember that there are people around to support you. It is important to express how you are feeling.

After someone has died, life at home can feel flat or empty. If the person was cared for at home, nurses and family members may have visited regularly. It can feel quiet and lonely for a while, until you get used to the new situation. Give yourself plenty of time and space. Do not put too much pressure on yourself.

You may worry that you cannot talk about the person who has died to your family, in case it upsets them. But your family will probably understand how you feel at this time. You could comfort each other and share memories.

If you need to sort out the belongings of the person who has died, this can be upsetting. It may feel very final. You may prefer not to do this task for a while. Talk to the rest of your family and try to agree when would be a good time. Make sure you tell someone if there is anything you want to keep. This could be something like a watch, a ring or photos.

Someone close to you dying when you are young can make you feel alone. You may find that none of your friends or classmates have gone through a similar experience. They may not know how to react or what to say. Try to explain to your friends gently that they can support you just by being there and listening. You could encourage them to watch the How to help a grieving friend video from the charity Winston’s Wish.

If it is hard for you to talk to your family or friends, you could contact a cancer support group, young carer worker or counsellor. Just make sure you do not keep your feelings to yourself.

After someone you loved has died, it can feel like nothing is the same any more. But you may find it helpful to get back to your usual routine quite quickly. Try to make sure that you do not isolate yourself. It can be harder to adjust if you have not been to school or college, or seen your friends, for a long time.

There are some things that may help when you are grieving.

1. Look after yourself. Grieving can be a very tiring process. It is important to take care of your health. Try to eat healthily, make time to relax and do regular exercise. These things can help improve your mood.
2. Do things you enjoy. It is a good idea to keep your mind busy and distract yourself from sadness. Try to make time for your hobbies. You could spend time with friends or pets, go for a walk or read a book. Try not to feel guilty if you have some fun. This does not mean you have forgotten the person who died.
3. Stay connected to the person who died. There are lots of ways to do this. You could write them a letter, put a favourite photo in a frame or visit a place that has nice memories. Do not be afraid to talk about the person or share stories about them.
4. Make a memory box. This is a container that holds special things to remind you of the person who died. You could put in photos, some of their favourite music or letters or cards from them. These things can help remind you of happy times you spent together and give you comfort.
5. Ask for support. It is important to find someone to talk to about your grief. This could be a family member, close friend, teacher, school nurse, your GP or anyone else you trust.

There are charities that can help if you are coping with grief. You could call the Cruse Bereavement Care young people’s helpline free on 0808 808 1677.

Child Bereavement UK runs support groups and has an app for people aged 11 to 25. This includes stories from bereaved young people and short films they have made. The charity has also made a game called Apart of me – A quest into loss and love, which you can download on your phone. It is designed to help you cope with the death of a loved one.

You will always feel love and sadness for the person who has died. Eventually, you will have fewer bad days and can start to look to the future. This does not mean you are forgetting your loved one.