Making a memory box

Being told you will not recover from cancer can lead to thinking about the future and grieving about a time when you are not with your family or friends. This can be particularly difficult if there are children in the family.

It can be difficult for young children to hold on to memories. A memory box can be a useful way of passing on memories of treasured times to your children. And it can help them remember how much you loved them.

Before you decide what to include, you may find it helpful to think about different types of memories. For example, this could include:

• a special time you and your child shared together
• something you enjoyed or laughed about together
• a memory that offers you or your child some comfort
• something you especially love about your child, or about your relationship with them.

You can include anything that is important to you or your child, or that helps to remind them of a specific memory. You can keep a note for your child of why each item is important.

It is sometimes difficult to know where to start. Here are some suggestions:

• You can have a photo of you with your child on the lid. This gives a visual reminder of the connection between you.
• You can decorate the box together, in your or your child’s favourite colour. Or you could cover the box in a material printed with your child’s favourite nursery rhyme or cartoon character.
• You could put in a bottle of aftershave or perfume. You can encourage your child to spray it on a favourite soft toy or on themselves. Our sense of smell is one of the most powerful ways to stimulate memories.
• You could write a letter to your child, or some short stories about things you have done together. You could also put in any birthday cards or postcards you may have sent.
• A video recording could include a message from you or recordings of things you and your child have done together. Most smartphones have a video camera, or you could use a camcorder. You may want to create a collection of short videos using your phone’s editing tools or a programme on your computer. Your child could help you edit them. This may make it a joint project for you both and can be a memory-creating process in itself. Videos can be saved to a USB memory stick or DVD that can easily be put into your memory box.
• You can transfer sound recordings, such as messages or your favourite music, onto a CD or save them to a USB memory stick. Your specialist nurse or local hospice may be able to help you. Or you could ask for help from a local library.
• Small cards with messages on them could include details of your favourite things. Examples include: ‘I love you because...’, ‘Thank you for…’, ‘When we are not together, what I miss most about you is…’, or ‘Remember when…’.
• You can add anything that has a personal story attached to it to the box. This might include jewellery, cards, toys or tickets from places you visited together that hold special memories. It can help to attach a small note to the object as a reminder for your child. Luggage labels are a practical way of doing this.
• You may want to include things in the box that are important to you, so that your child can begin to learn more about you. For example, you could include a piece of music you really love, your favourite book, a piece of clothing in your favourite colour (such as a scarf or t-shirt) or photos of key moments in your life.

Creating a memory box can be a very emotional thing to do. But it can also be satisfying to do something that will help your child to connect with memories of you and the times you shared. It also gives you a chance to reflect on your own memories.

Starting to make a memory box can feel overwhelming. You may find it helpful to have a family member, close friend or healthcare professional to support you through the process. They can also help you gather the objects you want to put in your memory box.

Who can help?

Everyone has their own way of coping with difficult emotions that come with making a memory box. Some people find it helpful to talk about their feelings with their partner, their family or a close friend. Or you may want to talk over your feelings with a specialist nurse, palliative care nurse or counsellor. The important thing is to do what feels right for you, when it feels right.

You can talk to your doctor or GP about a referral to a specialist nurse if you do not already have one, or to find out where you can get counselling. Our cancer support specialists can also give you more information about help that is available.